Coffee, anyone?

Dear Children,
Four o'clock in the morning is a bad time. Whatever it is, if you are not bleeding all over the place or near death, please don't wake me to tell me about it. Waking mom at 4 a.m. violates the Pipe Life Household Code of Conduct. Frequent violations could result in random bouts of tears and blubbering from any one of us throughout the day, of which mom just doesn't have the time or patience to deal with. She has Things To Do.

Furthermore, please do not complain that someone else got to the last of the milk before you did. The early bird gets the worm, my dear sweet babies. Perhaps if you hadn't been wandering around the house at 4 a.m. you would have had the energy to get out of bed when mom said it was finally time at 6.

Please, kindly adhere to the rules and everyone can live happily and harmoniously. But only between the hours of 6 a.m. and 9 p.m. Mom makes no guarantees of happiness nor harmoniousness prior to 6 or after 9.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Love you!
Mom

And while we're at it ...

Dear Dog,
Seven o'clock on a Saturday morning is too early. If I don't have to go to the bathroom at that hour, neither should you. I will happily take you for a nice, long walk after 8 a.m. by which time I will have had at least one cup of coffee.

Saturday is my only day to sleep in until the kids are out of school for the summer. Waking me early on Sleeping In Day is a violation of the Pipe Life Household Code of Conduct. Please don't do it again tomorrow like you did last weekend.

The couch is still mine, by the way.

Stop giving me those sad eyes.
 
Love you!
Mom

P.S. Thank you for not wanting to go potty this morning at 4.