Thursday, March 3, 2011

Maybe it's a phase. Maybe not.

It's time for an overhaul. On everything.

A fresh perspective. Something new.

Well. The husband and children - and maybe even the animals if they straighten up a bit - can stay. But everything else has a target on it.

I'm antsy. I get that way this time of year. I gotta DO something. Scrub everything down with Clorox or gut a closet and reorganize everything or send a chunk of my wardrobe to Goodwill or ... something.

I want to finally cover the dingy walls in the house with color. I want to get rid of this ratty old furniture and replace it with something different. Not new, necessarily, but different.

I want to tear up the carpet in the living room. I don't even need to replace it right now; we all know I'm not afraid to live with sub-floors. I'm just sick of looking at what's there now. I want to get rid of these lamps I hate so much (Sorry mom. I didn't always hate them.) and light my way with something beautiful that I love. Something I chose, not something we decided to use because someone gave it to us. Isn't it funny how we make something work "for the time being" and then 10 years later we still have it?

Usually I start cleaning when I feel like this. It's amazing how different our surroundings can look and feel when they're freshened up a bit. But I think this year it's a little more than spring fever I'm feeling. The past few days I've been channeling my inner 2-yr-old and asking the question "why?" a lot. Why shouldn't I? Why can't I? Why is this always like this? Why do we do it that way?

Why not?

Why wait?

I'll tell you the answer I keep coming back to: there is no good answer. None that we should be mindlessly accepting anyway.

Sometimes the answer is because we don't have the money to do that right now. Sometimes it's because that feels like too much of a splurge. Sometimes we don't need it, or don't need to do it. Or we don't have the time. Or ... my favorite ... that's just crazy! Why would we do/change/eat/say/watch/try that?

If I dare to go deeper I'd probably admit to a little self doubt. Maybe I'm not worthy of having or doing whatever it is. Lord knows I've had my struggles with self esteem and self worth over the years and I'm always susceptible to letting that creep back in. I hate that. It makes me want to not just get rid of those lamps I hate so much, but break them up into tiny little pieces before I throw them in the trash.

I'm angry. Antsy and angry. Great combination, eh?

No worries. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I've just been doing a lot of thinking these past few days and it's made me consider the possibility of rearranging some priorities. And that's saying something because I thought I had my priorities pretty well in order, or at least well on the way to it.

So there it is. I hate being cliche but it's the ol' "someone I love just died and it reminded me how short life is and that I should live it to the fullest" junk. And that's OK. I just need to harness all this energy and do something positive with it. And I will. No excuses.

No regrets.

Today I start answering the question "why?" a little differently.

Today I start answering the question "why?" with another question: Why not?


  1. Exactly...why not? There comes a time when the caregiver has to take care of him or herself too. Whether it be a job change, a redecoration project, or whatever it is that the heart and soul desires and the mind tries to talk us out of. Yes - life is definately too short. We both have recently realized this and experienced this - different circumstances mind you - but the outcome and meaning is still the same. Be Happy. And do whatever it takes to get there.

  2. Love this! My answer to anyone that ever asks me why is "Why not?" Sometimes we all get pent up, feeling like we can't do anything, but just feeling that urge to make a change. There is no reason why and there is seldom a reason why not.

    Go for it, rip out that carpet, smash that lamp into a million pieces. (just make sure you donate any others to charity) Change one thing that might not make a lick of difference to anyone but you.

    Thanks for linking this up at Wit Behind the Ears, it was just what I needed to hear today.

  3. You've come very close to describing my own feelings. Funny how losing someone brings so much stuff to the top.


  4. Ahh, where'd my comment go? Was it too preachy? Or did it just not take. Bummer!

  5. UGH! I figured it out!!! You have one of those spam guards that makes you think that you're done, but you're not. Man! My comment was good too, made me sound all wise and junk. Now I'm wondering if any of my other comments have made it on here...

  6. Oh no, Anna! I'm sorry the Interwebz ate your comment! Argh!!

    Thanks to all of you for the encouragement. :)